Every morning for the last 2 weeks all i have thought about is Hot air balloons, green Chili breakfast burritos, and Hot Chocolate. All while laughing and joking with my friends and freezing. Dare i say im homesickWhy did I move? oh yeah. Thats right, Cuz the other 50 weeks of the year Albuquerque SUCKS.

So i have to say this story makes me laugh..... Ill start at the beginning. About 6 years ago i wrote a bad check for groceries. I dont think it was intentional and i forgot about it. It was in the amount of $140. To be honest i was moving and think it fell through the transitional cracks of moving and new back accounts, on top of being broke im sure. So years go by and i forgot about it. until 1 day i get pulled over for speeding down my residential street and i get arrested for 1 night. I go to court and opt to pay the debt and do probation for 1 year. No biggie. Never got charged and the felony does not exist. (BTW any check over $100 in NM that does not clear is a felony). I have passed several background checks since then.   and i am very forthcoming with personal information. The more you know about me the less there is to question. right.  Jared gets a call from him mom to tell him that i am a horrible person and did he know that i was arrested for such a horrible crime. Now, Why would they go digging. I know they dont like me and its completely unfounded. I am trying hard to not be offended.   My priorities are OUR Family. Jared, myself and the baby. I just think its funny that she would go so low as to look for dirt. Jared is hurt by her constant search to discredit me and she will be hardpressed to find anything he doesnt already know. I have disclosed almost all my skeletons to jared and its a really big closet.  I heart jared's mom! LOL..   The best part is he was mad when he told me what she was doing and by the time he finished we were both laughing at the sheer pettiness of the situation.  we took the power out of her words. 

I love this man more then i could have ever imagined.  Yes, i want to work things out. My heart sings everytime i wake up next to him, everytime he kisses me. He calls the baby to be a "bean"  (size and shape) and kisses my soon to be baby belly. I feel whole. Still i sit and wonder if he'll be there when i get home. not based on distrust of jared and more on the fact that i never want to hurt like that again. I can see in his face he is happy to be back.  I said to him yesterday that i realized how much i took him for granted and want to love him without regret, as if each moment were always my last with him. ( i dont mean that morbidly).   I have decided the best approach for his family is to be strong and silent. Kill them with kindness. I want his family a part of our lives and to see that we had a moment of dark that we are coming out of. and it wont define our relationship. I write this only to release all the pain and anger i have felt over the last few weeks. I want jared to have the family life he wants and to know that i support him in his endeavors and as he does mine. I know the anxiety of abandonment will fade with time. Today is already easier than yesterday was.  Yesterday was a mess. For the sake of noting this... I have a hard time distinquishing real emotions from hormones right now.  I feel like a kid on a sugar high. A friend told me today (knowing both Jared and I; Donna and Randy) That a love like ours comes around once in a life time. 

I want to be able to say to little to late. I am trying so hard, and i feel so empty. I want to stop waking up and thinking about him. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to stop feeling like a victim in all of this. I want resolution... I want affection. I want to know that no matter what he stands by this child and not be told his family doesnt/wont accept me. I want to believe the words he says and writes at face value. Not read between the lines for hidden truth that wll show thier ugly heads to hurt me later.  I want to hold him in my arms and hear him sob and say he is sorry, and then i want to walk away and be done hurting.  I want to walk upright facing the world, without water coming out of my blue eyes. I want to feel like i am as strong as i used to be, as everyone thinks i am, and then i want to be allowed my weakness's.  I want him to say what he means.  Is that asking to much!

Today I start over. This is only about me. Someone who deserves me will find me someday but for now its about becoming the person that I was put on this earth to become and learning lessons. (Thank You Dylan). I have gotten some really good advise, some really funny advise and some still very worried about me advise from well meaning friends. To be honest. I am ok. I will be ok  He was not the first man, and he wont be the last. (although there was/is a part of me that had hoped he would step up) The "is" part is fading fast. Today is one month since the day he left. I guess i have some pressure on myself for a speedy recovery but that feels like a terrbily long time to miss someone that doesnt want to be missed. Honestly: He and I have talked a lot especially in the last few days. With days/weeks of silence inbetween. Each time in my presence he loves me still and wants me back. Its in my absense that he starts to waiver and again breaks my still fragile heart. Its my doing i know each time i leave that this will ultimately happen and fuck me for believing in him.  That being said today is a new day and a new start. While i am very unclear about what i want and dont want. I start my list with:  I want me back, the one that stood up and didnt give a fuck. I want someone to love me as much in my absense as they do in my presence.